Amazing Chocolate Pie

Hey, check it out, a recipe that does not contain olive oil! I'll be honest .... I used the last of it making PLM pasta, but I was planning on making this anyway.

On Friday night, K-Dubs (that's my mom, she's totally gangsta), Seester, and I intended to have an evening of female bonding involving Juno and chocolate pie … blue slushies and Slinky shirts optional. However, the boys hogged the TV with their nerd hobbies and we didn't get a chance. No biggie, cause we still ate the pie and pie makes me happy. This is not what I'd call a "light" recipe, but hey, it was July 4^th. You only live once.

Let's see what the essential components are, shall we?

That's a baked deep dish pie shell (mine was frozen – ran out of time to make my own), semisweet baking chocolate, a cup of sugar, 4 eggs, vanilla extract, 2 sticks of butter, and some cold and undrinkably strong coffee. I know my sugar is measured in a liquid measuring cup -- please don't tell my Home Ec teacher!

Alright, first off, let's talk about the coffee. Make just a little bit of coffee that's too strong for human consuption (or, if you're K-Dubs, you can probably just make your normal rocket fuel). I did 4 heaping scoops to like 2 cups of water. After it's done a-brewing, pour it into a cup and let it get cold and nasty.

Next, break up five ounces of semisweet baking chocolate into a bowl. If you have unsweetened baking chocolate you can use that, just remember to increase the sugar. You could probably even substitute half a bag of semisweet chocolate chips if it saves you a trip to the store. Just like the famous saying goes, laziness is the mother of invention.

Nuke your manna from PMS heaven until it's stirrable. This took me about a minute, but microwaves are fickle, so keep an eye on yours, OK? Burned chocolate is an unholy sin. After it's all melty, give it a stir and let the choco cool its heels in the slammer.

Splendid! Now toss two sticks of softened butter (the regular salted variety) into a bowl. Removing the wax paper first is preferred.

Now toss in a cup of white sugar -- unless you're using unsweetened chocolate, then make it a cup and a half.

Mix it up for a minute or so until it looks fluffy and delicious.

It occurs to me now that this would've photographed better in a stainless steel bowl. Live and learn.

By now, your chocolate should be begging for mercy. Check to see if it's cool enough -- it should be warm, not steamy. If it's been properly rehabilitated, drizzle it over the butter/sugar mix.

Ooooh, mama!

Add in a teaspoon of vanilla extract. And in the name of all things delicious, don't use imitation. Ever.

Check it out - measuring spoons. You guys probably thought I didn't own any.

Now add in some coffee. If you want the pie to have a subtle mocha kind of flavor, put in 2 tablespoons. If you don't really want to be able to taste it, put in a little less than a tablespoon. Even if you're not a coffee person, this does wonders for the flavor, I promise.

Let's integrate the dark ingredients with the light. This is the 21^st century, after all.

Now it's egg time, and I think we need to take a moment to talk about this. Yes, this recipe contains four raw eggs. Now, maybe you're one of those people that keep a little bottle of Germ-X on your keychain just in case and worries about getting, like, anthrax in your mailbox. Good news -- you can spend extra on pasteurized, salmonella-free eggs. Or maybe you're like me, and you figure that you've been eating cookie dough and licking beaters for the better part of 30 years and it's never given you so much as the sniffles. In that case, you can any old eggs as long as they don't have any cracks in them. Public Service Announcement over.

Alright, now, these instructions are critically important, so PAY ATTENTION. Shit just got real. We are going to add our salmonella to the pie over the course of about 20 minutes. If you have one of those fancy standing mixers, this would be a good time to break it out; if you're ghetto like me, you'll have to rough it with a hand mixer. We're going to add the eggs one at a time, mixing each one at a medium speed for 4-5 minutes before adding the next.

After 1 egg.

After 2 eggs.

3 eggs. Every now and then, you should scrape the sides with the spatula to make sure it's all getting mixed up.

After 4 eggs.

Dear god, don't you just want to stop now and eat it right out of the bowl??? I've got great news ... you'll probably have enough leftover to do just that. So go ahead and dump it in the pie.

Oh, lord. That's the stuff right there.

Start spreadin' the love.

And since we're celebrating our independence here….

… go ahead and give it a lick. It's what Jefferson would have wanted.

I know you want to dig in RIGHT NOW, but stick it in the fridge for at least an hour first. You can snack on the extra chocolate mousse-like substance until it's done. You'll thank me later.

Enjoy!!