Poor Man's Chicken Parmesan

Chicken parmesan should be used to solve hostage crises and talk people off of roof ledges, don't you think? Life just seems a little better when you've got cheesy, tomatoey, fried chicken at your disposal. What's that you say? Chicken parm makes your ass fat? It's hard to make? Shut yo mouth! I am about to present to you Poor Man's Chicken Parm. It's quick, it's easy …. And yeah, maybe it's a little low-class, but I never claimed to be gourmet, here. Can ya dig it?

Chicken economy in the Picky Library Man household: We buy chicken breasts in bulk, and then Picky Library Man goes all Benihana on their asses and puts each tit in a freezer bag. It's perfect for those nights when you forget to thaw something ahead of time – just whip a bag out of the freezer, run the whole bag under some hot water until you can separate the chunks, and voila! It's ready to cook. One breast is the perfect amount for 2 people unless one of you is a teenage boy or a lumberjack.

On with the show

1 cut-up chicken breast, some cheese (mozzarella if you want to be more authentic … PLM loves it with cheddar), bread crumbs, parmesan cheese, garlic powder, parsley, salt, pepper, egg (not pictured), can of drained tomatoes, and extra virgin olive oil.

Moving on. First, put some olive oil in a skillet. I use a big stainless skillet and about 1 tablespoon of yummy olivey goodness – enough to easily cover the bottom of the pan. Heat this on LOW heat for now.

Now crack an egg in a bowl, and show it who's boss.

Next, toss your dead animal in there and mix em around. You could do the pieces one at a time, but why?

Grab a quart or gallon bag (preferably with a fancy zip top) and give Dr. Atkins the finger by adding some bread crumbs.

I measured just for you guys, and it was 2/3 cup.

Next, add some parmesan cheese. I checked, and this is about ¼ cup. But I'm all for decadence, so add as much as you want. The cheese police won't come after you, promise.

Crush the balls.

Yes, I do consider myself a feminist - why do you ask?

Now add some garlic powder. I didn't measure this, but I think it's about a tablespoon. If you like your food really garlicy, add more. If you don't like garlic ... well, I'm sorry, but we can't be friends anymore.

I've used lots of different spices here, but PLM likes it best with just a little parsley. Other good variations include basil, rosemary, thyme, oregano, crushed red pepper, dill. Whatever gets you goin'.

Look, I'm Zippi Longstocking!

Shake, shake, shake, Senora.

Now, stab a chunk of mammary, shimmy off the excess egg,

and toss it into the bag. I usually do 4 or 5 chunks at a time, because I'm lazy.

Shake it up, baby.

Fish out the hunks o' boob, shake off the excess breading, and chuck em in your pan.

After you've coated all of the chicken, crank up the heat up to medium-high heat.

Awesome, you've got 3 minutes to do what you want. I'm going to spend my time grating some cheese, since PLM swears it tastes better freshly-grated and I like to humor him from time to time. Don't forget to nominate me for Wife of the Year.

After about 3 minutes, your chicken will look a little white on the sides.

When you flip em, they should be brown and crusty and delicious.

Ya daaaaaaaamn right.

Now, the other side won't take as long to cook, so keep a close eye on it. If you have not added enough oil OR you've cooked it a little too hot, your pan might be looking kind of dry; if so, add a tablespoon more EVOO into the skillet and shake it around, or it'll char. Add some salt and peppa.

After about 2 minutes, turn the burner as low as you possibly can, and add a can of tomatoes.

Use a spatula to mix it up. Don't forget to drain the tomatoes first or your chicken will get soggy and you'll ruin dinner and everybody will be really mad at you.

Check the bottoms of your chicken – once they're done, cheese it on up.

I used 2/3 cup of shredded sharp cheddar, but hell, I'm all for laziness and personal taste. Use whatever cheese you have handy and however much looks good to you.

Now cover the skillet – shockingly, I had the correct lid. Usually I end up covering my stuff with the wrong sized lid or a plate or a cookie sheet or something. Doesn't really matter for the sake of this recipe.

Usually this is when I tell PLM to pour some iced tea and get out some plates and silverware. It only needs a minute, but it can sit for at least 5 without getting rubbery and gross.

Now, let's talk about side dishes. The obvious one is pasta and your red sauce of choice, and we do that pretty frequently. But let's be real – it's FRIED CHEESY CHICKEN. It can be served with whatever the hell you want to serve with it. Mashed potatoes and corn, fried potatoes and broccoli, baked beans and a salad. Rules? What rules. Today, I had cucumbers and watermelon to use up, so we did that.

Right on. And YES, I consider this a diet food. Based on my measurements today, each generous serving contained about 450 calories - a bargain-basement price for a main dish, and that's without using any kind of diet-food substitutions. You could make it lower-cal, but don't. The tomatoes count as a serving of vegetables, and it's filling and yummy and nom-nom-tastic just the way it is.

Enjoy!